Can I have a blanket?

I spent my whole work day being productive!...... reading odd news articles. Because that’s my job. Really I swear. Oh just shut up and keep reading.

This has got to be one of the most drastic and interesting breakups I’ve ever heard about.

We smokers may be silly for killing ourselves ever so slowly, but some non smokers are just psychotically crazed.

The future is watching you.

This thing is hella cool and creepy at the same time. I want one. (Mainly so that I’ll have someone/something that will pay attention to me.)

I wonder if it’s a one size fits all type deal.

Sweden is so freaking awesome, their hospitals give you underwear to wear! My stays in US hospitals have always been sans underwear and wrapped in that flimsy napkin they call a hospital gown. It’s always disturbing how you suddenly end up naked whenever you go into a hospital. It has to be some strange medicinal voodoo they learn while in medical school.

Doc: What seems to be the problem Mr. Walker?

Me: My throat has been bothering me lately.

Doc: Lets take a look.

Me: Ok.

Doc: Abra-ca-nudie I sees yo booty!

Me: GAH! Where the hell are my clothes?!

And then there’s the time I rolled my car 4 times and ended up in shock trauma. There was at least some forewarning in that one. But even still, I ended up on a table with my goods exposed to the elements. Good thing they had me doped up. That just made everything alright… for the time being.

Doc: Ok Stan. We’re going to have to cut your clothes off.

Me: huh? Ok… but I just bought these jeans.

Doc: *snippity snip*

Me: Am I naked now?

Doc: Yes you are. (he was stifling a chuckle at this point. I was told later that I was quite comical while doped up and suffering from a concussion.)

Me: Can I have a blanket?

Doc: No, not yet.

Me: I don’t like this.

Doc: Now we have to roll you onto your side to check you for internal bleeding.

Me: I don’t like you now!

My recent experience was just before my hernia operation. I was standing in the post op area with my mother, once again garbed in the flimsy napkin, and staring at my surgeon as he went over the notes just before putting me under and cutting me open. Without warning the doctor whipped up my gown to take a look at the areas he needed to fix. I’m not going to go into great detail of the incident. But I will say, if it hadn’t been for my mother’s lightning fast ninja reflexes she would have gotten an eye full of my junk. And that’s something I don’t want to live with. Imagine sitting at family dinners staring across the table at your mother in silence and thinking, “You’ve seen my goods… and that’s not good.”. (Yes I know she changed my diapers and whatnot when I was a baby. I know that she has seen me nude before. But that was back when I was a small child. A lot of things have changed since then, and some of them a mother should not be privy too.) I do love how the doctor maintained an apathetic stare as he poked at my stomach. Meanwhile the nurses and my mother have heads turned away almost to the point of breaking their own neck, and I proved that a black man can blush.

US hospitals are sinister and full of nude people. I have a feeling it’s some sort of incognito porn recruitment center. I’m sure there’s some sort of manual the doctors refer to. I’ll ask my dad.

He’s a doctor you know….

Probably why I have so many siblings…..

I think I’m going to go into the medical field…..

To help people……. Really…..

So in short (which wasn’t so short because I talk too much and will go off on rants, tangents, and run on sentences.) if I don’t make it in the medical field I’m going to pack up and move to Sweden. Because their hospitals give you underwear to wear. And that’s just freaking awesome beyond belief. Don’t believe me? Go have an extended stay in a hospital and see how much you beg for undies. If not for you, then for the creepy old lady who shuffles down the hall past your doorway.

Shake it grandma, shake it. Just somewhere else.