I rolled into the office early to get some overdue work done before my official work day started. (Ok ok… I was there early because my ride had to drop me off 3 hours before I needed to be there.) During my early hours of working (surfing the internet for the most frivolous things ever) one of the warehouse employees passed through the sales office to gather the paper trash from the office. This is actually part of his job description and not due to the sheer laziness of the sales reps at my company. No really I swear! If I bag up my own trash this certain employee becomes quite irate.
So as I'm "working" I hear Shuffles moving his way through the offices and cubicles.
DIGRESSION!:
(Being that this could be considered my first "actual" blog post let me explain a few things. "Shuffles" is an employee of my company who works in the warehouse. In fact he's worked for my company and sister companies longer than I've been able to drink. Throughout his stint at my company he's had many nicknames. Whopps or Whoppers due to the fact that he vaguely… very vaguely.. resembles the beloved and infamous "King" of a very famous fast food restaurant, and JC due to his initials. Those are just a few. Here I will refer to him as "Shuffles". Why? Because the man is LARGE and shuffles when he walks. I didn't give him this nickname to make fun of him. It's just the easiest way for me to remember him.)
End of digression:
While Shuffles is moving through the offices I realize that he's humming. Well not really humming. Shuffles is huffing, humming "Winter Wonderland", and well… making what I can only describe as a motorboat on turrets impersonation. I so wish I had a audio clip for all of you to listen to! It was like listening to a skipping CD of "Winter Wonderland" through a whale's bladder while under water, with multiple choking motors, and rabid lamprey-wolverine-hybrids trying to chew their way through your brain. I was dumbfounding at first. But after a while you end up humming something along the lines of "Walking in a Wint-brrr-brrr-crap-brrrrrrrrrt-hrgh-gasp-hrasp-frrrt-mmmmm-hrk-hrk-blarg-grrr-brrr Wond-drrrr-errrr-argh-frrrr-lonnnn-derrrrrrrrrr-Ngh *Gasp wheeze*".
I’m not exactly sure as to why Shuffles makes motor boat noises. What I do know is that it’s somewhat disturbing to hear a large 40+ year old man making the same spitty flappy lipped noise that you’d hear from a 4 month old baby.
More things about about Shuffles to follow!
I was sent the most wonderful link ever! (I'm kidding of course).
The end is nigh! http://www.icv2.com/articles/news/11785.html
(Go ahead… take a peek at the link. I’ll wait for you to get back.)
Which resulted in the following conversation with two coworkers:
Me: Mr. T don't need no Singleton to direct an A-Team movie!
Mr. T can direct the movie himself.
Don't you be givin me no jibba jabba! T is directing/acting genius!
Mr. T studied at Cambridge!
I pity the fool who don't see T's movie!
CW1: There is something not right about you! This just means they are reaching… really reaching… but what are they going to do without a writer?
Me: The usual thing Hollywood does when they have no plot or actual script. Explosions and gratuitous nudity. I think they should do some role swapping as Hollywood is apt to do. You know.. like have a white guy play B.A. Baracus and the rest of the crew is black.
CW2: I wouldn't mind having Face be played by Jessica Biel... yummy.
Me: You're a genius! An all female crew for the A-Team! Brilliant!
And some stuff for you to read!
I believe that managers have a special unwritten job description to be annoying. Also to make annoying demands subtly guised as “requests”. Things like the following.
“Please limit your smoke breaks for the day”
“Please use the internet for work related projects only.”
“Please take a reasonable lunch break.”
“Please try to refrain from using inappropriate language in the office.”
“Please do not talk smack about the upper management.”
“Please stop browsing porn sites on the company’s time and internet connection.”
“Please stop looking at me like that.”
“Please take your hand out of your pants.”
“No really, please stop looking at me like that.”
“OMG! Please don’t point that at me!”
Blah blah blah….
Now my manager has found new, interesting, and most personal way to be annoyingly demanding. “What is it?” you’re asking. Well my manager in his sick and twisted insight has found a way to get his “demands” met with merely music. It’s only useful during this time of year. You know, the “Holiday” time of year. The time of year where everything becomes sickly sweet and disgustingly full of “cheer”. No not the laundry detergent. I’m talking about the weak and fake “joy to the world” spirit that fills everyone and makes them act WAY outside of their norm during “that time of year”. It’s like a seasonal PMS that affects every ass who wants to pretend they’re a good person around the Christmas/Hanukah/Kwanza time of year. (Did I miss a season or holiday?)
Anyway, during this particular time of year my manager CRANKS the holiday music. It is, what I have to admit, a genius surgical strike. He seems to wait until we are full and fed up with “holiday cheer” to start his assault. At that point he calls us into his office for a short conference. And that conference is chocked full of holiday music cranked at nearly ear bleeding volume. At that point we reps are usually dying to either have him shut up or to get away from the “music”. I swear this is a brilliant tactic. Every time this happens I end up doing what he wants just to escape the audio holiday cheer suppression of his office.
BTW:
If I have to hear one more of (insert random pseudo-famous really not all that great music artist)'s rendition of a tired played out holiday season related tune… THINGS WILL BE DESTROYED!
I'm serious!
Everywhere you turn they're blaring regurgitated faux holiday cheer in audio format.
And it's the same damn songs!
This version is slower.
This version has a "punk" feel to it.
This one the "artist" decided to extend your agony by inserting 10 minutes of them attempting really bad scat singing in the middle of the song. (COME ON!! Whoever that was I caught a snippet of the other day seriously needs to ski ba bop ba dop the hell up!)
It's like having someone vomit partially digested candy canes and eggnog in your ear… all day!
I'm not saying that Christmas music in general needs to stop. But use some moderation people! And how many different versions of Rudolph do you have to hear back to back?!
Screw your winter wonderland.
Hark the herald angels can SHUT IT!
And go jingle your bells somewhere else.
I have to listen to something angry and very non-holiday cheery.
Have a holly jolly BRICK TO YOUR SKULL!!!
Random crap:
My co-worker “K” does this weird humming thing that I can only describe as "The Grandma Hum". It reminds me of some old (maybe southern) grandmother humming (not really a song at all, just humming) to herself. The sound resonates through the sales office. It's a bizarre sound. It lingers and has this fluctuating tone. Kinda makes me think of a southern Baptist church woman humming. Makes me want to slap the shit out of K every time I hear it.
He's challenging me basically. I know he’s challenging me!
Either that or he's possessed by the malignant soul of a southern Baptist grandma who needs me to exorcise her from K’s body by beating the ever loving shit out of him.
"The power of pain compels thee!"
THWACK!!!
(rinse and repeat… a lot!)
End of Random crap:
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