100 Things you most likely don’t want to know…… about me.

Figured I'd do it too.....

1. I was born on December 25^th 1977. This was the exact day that Charlie Chaplin died. Every year I check to see which celebrities or important people died on my birthday. The most notable and recent was James Brown.

2. It is a common practice for me to withhold my “Merry Christmas” wishes to my family until they say “Happy Birthday” first. Being that I was born on a holiday people tend to forget that I’m even there. This includes my own father sometimes.

3. I am a geek through and through. I’ll never deny my geekhood. But for the sake of at least getting a girlfriend I do not revel in it. (Because no one loves a geek. So stop it!)

4. I have collected and viewed copious amounts of anime and foreign films. At one point I had a spreadsheet documenting it all.

5. An artist I be.

6. I still consider all my ex-girlfriends as good friends.

7. I can often be found haunting coffee shops. Very rarely will it be a mainstream shop. The smaller and locally owned shops are my favorite. They seem to have a lot more atmosphere and personality.

8. I will do odd jobs for free coffee. At one point I had made friends with the employees of a coffee shop I visited regularly. After a while I would help them in their closing procedures by mopping the floor and cleaning in exchange for a few cups of coffee.

9. I have very long slender fingers. Due to this people say that I should play the piano or guitar. Yet an artist I be.

10. I have been known to collect action figures. I also collect other strange or bizarre odds and ends.

11. I am a straight 30 year old male with four pet rabbits. A lot of people I know think that this is odd. They believe that rabbits are a very un-guy type of pet. Sometimes I agree with them but I’d never give up my bunny buddies. They call me “The Rabbit Whisperer” every now and then.

12. I like to mix up words to create a new one. It’s pretty much a brutal murder of the English language. But I enjoy it so much.

13. Lately (for about the past 4 years) I have a hard time sleeping at night. Even when I’m dead tired I’ll stay up to the wee hours of the morning just thinking.

14. Because of my difficulties sleeping I have started taking melatonin pills. They don’t help much unless I take more than 5.

15. I subsist on caffeine. From energy pills and drinks to coffee.

16. When I was around the age of 21 my friend Tom and I created what we called “Aggressive Coffee”. We took a percolator, brewed a pot of coffee, changed the grounds, and ran the coffee through again. We repeated this process a few more times. The result was us not sleeping and running rampant for about 2 days. I’ll make a pot of “Aggressive Coffee”. Sometimes just to see if someone can drink and stomach it.

17. I can drink a pint of rum (straight) and still be alright.

18. I have a super power in which I can drink (sometimes chug) any alcohol straight from the bottle and not vomit despite the taste.

19. The saying of “Beer before liquor, never been sicker. Liquor before beer, in the clear.” does not apply to me. No matter how the two are mixed I’ll end up either throwing up or passing out.

20. Even though I’m an unrepentant filthy smoker I refuse to smoke around children. Anytime I see a child about to pass me I’ll hold my breath until they pass. Anytime I see an adult carting a child and puffing away at a cigarette I get really pissed.

21. I collect the soundtracks to my favorite anime, movies, or shows.

22. In person I may seem standoffish or “angry”. But in truth I’m actually very friendly and somewhat shy.

23. I’m actually stronger, tougher, and more durable than I look.

24. Sometimes my life can be like an anime. Some of the most bizarre stuff happens to me.

25. When I’m drawing in a public place people will come up and compliment me. Sometimes I hate it. It feels like they’re just placating me or saying something just to talk.

26. Years ago I rolled my car. It flipped 4 times and I came out with a faint scar on my forehead and a new mindset. The type of mindset that would say, “What is, is. What shall be, shall be”. A friend called that Zen Stan. (She actually hated it.) “Zen Stan” comes out during times of extreme stress or unhappiness. Sometimes he helps and others he’s just a nuisance.

27. I have a lot of friends who will come to me for relationship advice. During those times I usually respond with, “Hello! Do you not realize who you’re talking to? I’m the single guy who lives alone!”. Even still, most of their problems and solutions seem to be very evident to me. Most likely because I am outside of the situation.

28. I dream in color. I don’t care what anyone says. I swear I dream in color. Vibrant and beautiful color.

29. All in all I consider myself just “average” in everything I do.

30. I can eat a pound of beef without an issue.

31. When I get drunk I like to cook. And even though I’m drunk I make some kick ass meals.

32. I have a hard time sleeping next to someone. There have only been 3 people in my life that I could sleep next to without an issue.

33. I’m not good with “open ends”. I have a bad habit of wanting closure and will haunt people until I achieve it.

34. I’ve never expected to be loved for who I am even though I believe I deserve to be loved. This stems from a very poor self esteem.

35. I hate it when people chew with their mouth open. I’m not talking about the standard. I mean when someone makes the above necessary smacking noises. This activates a very primitive response in me. My first desires are to start yelling and hitting. I become very volatile. I will glare at that person if I’m in the room. It takes a lot of will power for me to keep from shouting. The louder the sound the more ire is raised. If that person is the type to talk and breathe through their mouth while eating I become even more irate. Also if they start out chewing their mouthful with their mouth closed and end it with loud smacking sounds. (This one gets me because you’ve already shown that you CAN chew with your mouth closed. Therefore when you start with the annoying smacky smacky noises it feels like a challenge.) I also don’t like it when people make those mouth breathing or “mmpph” noises. I don’t know where this comes from.

36. When someone asks me what type of woman I’d prefer to date my usual and most honest answer is, “woman”.

37. I usually eat white rice with a little butter and sugar mixed in.

38. I’m a sucker for meat and potatoes.

39. I show more kindness, compassion, and tolerance for children or animals than I do for adults.

40. The first time I “liked” a girl was when I was in the latter half of the 1^st grade living in Michigan on K.I Sawyer Air force Base. Her name was Jennifer Zukowski (I can't remember if it was an A or a U in her last name). Every now and then on a lark I’ll Google her name just to see what I’ll find.

41. The second girl I liked was in the same area when I was in the 3^rd grade. Her name was Laurie. She used to verbally defend me because I was so soft spoken. We “3^rd grade dated” for about a month before deciding that it was “dumb”.

42. I didn’t kiss a girl on the lips until I was 17.

43. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 21. (Even though I don’t really think I lost it. I believe I sold it for a pack of cigarettes, or gave it to a girl… or something like that.)

44. From 1992 till 2001 I wore a trench coat or duster all year round. Whenever someone joked around and called me part of the “Trench Coat Mafia” I’d get pissed. I still sport my coat from time to time. And I still get pissed when people mention the TCM.

45. I love boiled potatoes.

46. Some of my favorite animals are as follows (listed in order of my fondness of them): Wolf, Sloth, Rabbit, Squirrel, and the Pika.

47. I can’t stand to watch a foreign film dubbed. It’s got to be subtitled.

48. In a relationship I tend to give 100% even if the other person only gives 25%. This has been my downfall every time. You’d think I’d learn my lesson.. but nooooo. Obviously I’m an idiot.

49. I have been diagnosed with a “mild form” of Manic Depression. This is something that I haven’t even told my mother. (Now don’t you feel special?! You get to know something I haven’t told to many, even my own family.)

50. I get angry when people say “Japanimation”.

51. I will listen to almost any genre of music. My most favorite genre is Techno. My most hated are most Country, Rap, and R&B.

52. Because I’m black people tend automatically think that I like R&B, Rap, or that I’m a “thug”. I’m not.

53. As far as I know I am part African American, Native American, German, French, Spanish, Irish, and Indian. There’s probably more but my family hasn’t researched far enough back. The majority on both sides of my family is African American.

54. I’d pick werewolves over vampires any day.

55. I watch at least one movie every night.

56. I tend to wear all black or dark colors a lot. The moment I started wearing brighter colors or khakis my family and friends made such a big deal out of it that I went back to wearing black most of the time.

57. When I was a kid I watched, re-watched, and LOVED Berry Gordy’s “The Last Dragon”. That film had a profound affect on me as a child. I’m still trying to obtain “the glow”. In fact if you mention the movie to me I’ll grin and become very giddy.

58. I have personal space issues. The larger the crowd I’m in the bigger my personal space bubble becomes. This does not apply to my friends.

59. I am arachnophobic to the point of violence. If I see a spider inside my home I will hunt it until I kill it. The larger the spider the deader I make it. I have been known to victory dance on the corpse of a spider for a few minutes. (There was a time at my mother’s house where I was confronted by a spider as large as my hand. It looked like a wolf spider which I suspect came from the woods behind my mother’s house. The freakishly large thing took a phone book to the face and lived. I literally had to punch it to death. That’s no joke. I went feral and pounded the goliath into the carpet.)

60. I think that guys in pink polo shirts look stupid. That’s just my point of view. I’m sure there are people out there that think it’s great. I’m not one of those people.

61. The madder I get the quieter I get. This builds until I explode. It’s probably not healthy… but I do give warnings.

62. For some reason I can’t stand it when people walk around with the collar to their polo shirts flipped up.

63. Face talkers piss me off. The type of person that has to get in your face and way to close when you’re holding a normal conversation. That drives me nuts. I really don’t need to smell your breath in order to comprehend what you’re saying. This definitely applies to my friends. The only time you’re getting that close to my face is if we’re making out.

64. My family moved around quite a bit when I was younger. I’m originally from Kansas. (You can keep the Wizard of Oz jokes to yourself. I’ve heard enough of them.)

65. My travels have gone as follows: Kansas – Missouri – Maryland – Michigan – Kansas – Missouri – Maryland – New York – Maryland.

66. The last two moves I’ve made were because my mother (In Maryland) kicked me out and sent me to live with my father in New York. My father was unable to deal with me (I suffered from depression and whatnot) and sent me back to Maryland to live with my mother again.

67. When I lived in Missouri for the second time I was in the “All County Chorus” at the elementary school I went to (6^th grade).

68. I was the only black kid in my entire grade. It turned out that it was the same for my younger brother at the same school.

69. While I was in All County Chorus my music teacher had us sing “Dixie”. During that time she singled me out and asked me if I knew who wrote the song. When I said I didn’t know she said that because I’m black I should know. I went home later and told my father. He was not pleased and went to the school to have some very not pleased words with her. (By the way. Can anyone explain to me why the color of my skin should dictate that I should know who wrote what song?)

70. I started school when I was 4 (We lived in Maryland at the time and starting at that age was normal). When my family moved back to Kansas I ended up being younger than all the kids in my class (because they started at 5).

71. When I graduated the 5^th grade (we lived in Kansas at the time) I didn’t do so well. I barely scraped by. My family then moved to Missouri where my parents had the bright idea of having me repeat the 5^th grade instead of going to the 6^th. That pissed me off. And it still does.

72. Because of my parent’s deciding to have me repeat the 5^th grade I ended up older than all the kids in my class from then till I graduated high school.

73. Maryland is not particularly my most favorite place. It’s not horrible. But it’s not my favorite.

74. I can drink any type or brand of liquor till it makes me vomit, then go back and drink it the next day. For some reason that whole psychosomatic issue that tends to affect others doesn’t work on me. I’ve been told this is a gift. (Or I’m just a dirty booze hound.)

75. I am the Dark Overlord Of All.

76. Not too long ago I was shaving my head using electric clippers. I had slipped and shaved off my right eyebrow. At that point I decided to shave off the other.

77. Most people didn’t notice the missing eyebrows right away. They’d stare at me and say I looked different. Once I pointed out the eyebrows (or lack thereof) they would stare in utter shock and disbelief.

78. Secretly I loved the way people gawked at stared when they noticed the lack of eyebrows.

79. My eyebrows have grown back in and I am glad.

80. Sometimes I contemplate shaving them off again.

81. The song played during the very last fight scene in “The Last Dragon” still makes me giddy.

82. I try to live my life with no regrets. But there are still a few things that I really do regret. (No I’m not going to list them for you.)

83. I am a Community College dropout. Turns out that you really can’t major in “cafeteria”.

84. While attending community college in New York I joined the RPG/Anime club. While in this club I dressed in “garb”, participated in “larps”, and learned how to make “boffer swords” at an intermediate level. I can craft a weapon out of PVC pipe, foam, and duct tape. If I were in the Ultra Geek Scouts I’d already have my badge in crafting semi harmless archaic weapons.

85. I’ve never gone to work drunk.

86. But there have been times where I’ve been so hung over it hurts to think. Those are called “Your voice murders my soul and your stares burn my flesh. Don’t even consider looking at me or else I’ll disembowel you and lynch you with your own intestines” times.

87. I’m at number 87 and I’ve really been digging deep and desperate for things to list since number 29.

88. When I’m bored I will draw really odd pictures with captions that I refer to as the “Little Did You Know” series or odd pictures known as the “Herniated Sanity” series. Here are a few examples: LITTLE DID YOU KNOW and then HERNIATED SANITY

89. I have a younger half sister who I have never met. She is one year older than my full sister who is 8 years younger than me.

90. At the age of 28 I had to have a hernia surgery. I had a ruptures in my abdominal wall and my navel ring. I found out later that the type of hernia I had was common amongst pregnant women and body builders. (Through this I learned that working out or being pregnant are detrimental to one’s health.)

91. I actually like the sound of cicadas.

92. I witnessed the last emergence of the magicicada (17 year cicadas) in Maryland. I also hope that I witness the next one. (I also get a bit irritable when people refer to them as locusts. They are not locusts! Locusts look like grasshoppers and cicadas look like… well… freakish alien things.)

93. Whenever a small child asks me why I smoke, my first reply is “Because I’m stupid”. And I absolutely mean it when I say it.

94. I write poetry.

95. On my work email I receive a lot of spam messages regarding “growth” and increasing “size” in a matter of days with pills. I file these away to show the IT department and because I think the phrasing used in them is hilarious. (I found out that everyone at work has been getting the same emails.)

96. I have been accused of “seething”. For more information take a look at the link. (Conveniently posted just before this list.)

97. Can you tell that I’m really reaching now? I mean there’s only so much I can think to list. If this keeps up I’m just going to resort to listing my measurements, weight, and bathroom schedule. I might have to start making things up. Actually… It’s really not difficult trying to find something to list. The difficulty is in figuring out what to list. I’m not about to divulge every single dirty secret in my life for the whole world to see. (Actually I probably could. It’s not like there’s a ton of you guys reading this.)

98. The quickest and easiest ways to send me into an irrational rage are as follows: 1. Child abuse/neglect/murder. 2. Rape. 3. Throwing a spider of any type or size at me. (As long as you can abstain from doing these three things we can be friends. If not… well then I have to force feed you a brick or twenty.)

99. Sometimes I’ll tell stories of my imaginary wife. No really. I’m not kidding. I have an imaginary wife. Of course she’s pretty much useless as far as a domestic partnership is concerned. She doesn’t work or clean. (Well what would you expect?! She’s imaginary! But she’s so pretty… and she’s nice to me too! The way she looks changes from time to time.)

100. HOLY CRAP! It’s #100! So to cap it off… uh…. Um…. I love sushi. I went through a month where all I ate was sushi and miso soup. That was a very delicious and very expensive month. I’d do it again if I could.

So… I’m done now. That was actually really difficult. I might come back to add or edit this later…. Maybe.

Oh! So that's why!

This is just a funny little conversation I wanted to post. It took place between my buddy Claire and myself over gmail chat.

me: hmm... interesting. We were emailing back and forth about random things and she asked if I had been in contact with (insert ex-girlfriend’s name). When I said no she said that I most likely make her uncomfortable. She says that I'm too nice even when I get hurt and people can still tell that underneath is something upset and seething.
heh... most likely why she never went out with me.
All that underneath seething and such.

Claire: well, there's really no denying that.
you should stop that
it makes people uncomfortable.
* snicker *

me: Didn't know I was "seething" underneath. Maybe I should change to giggling maniacally underneath.

Claire: that would probably make more people uncomfortable.

me: I think it's the "too nice" thing that unsettles people.
You know... they're waiting for something awful to happen.

Claire: what do you mean.

me: You know... when someone comes up and they're just too damn nice to you... you almost expect them to do something horrible after all that nice.
Didn't think I was "too nice" though.
I thought I'd been quite the rotten bastard as of late.

Claire: maybe she was just trying not to anger you and unleash the power of 'seething'

me: "I'm sorry Stan. I just can't date you. Oh god! Are you seething?!"

Claire: lol
no no, it's "seething"

me: I figure it’d go like this.

Girl1: So I told him that I couldn't date him
Girl2: How did he take that?
Girl1: He took it well. He was really sweet and understanding.
Girl2: Well that’s nice.
Girl1: And then he started “seething”…. Underneath.
Girl2: OMG! Underneath “seething”?! Are you serious?!
Girl1: I was so uncomfortable. He kept smiling and saying it was ok.. but..
Girl2: That “seething”…
Girl1: Yeah.. I could sense it behind his smile.
Girl2: What an ass!
Girl1: I know! Why couldn’t he just punch me in the face and let it go?!

That would be my thinly veiled attempt at comedy after hearing that under the surface I'm a creepy "seething" bastard.
I'm going to have to find a way to utilize this ability.

Claire: LOL
that's awesome.
you should open your eyes all WIDE and SMILE full teeth. see what they think of that.

It's like fairy dust... except not.....

Sometimes “Reality” needs to remind you that you are its bitch. And I mean in a very prison sort of way. Occasionally I’ll call these “Bambi Moments”. The type of moments where everything is going great and suddenly it all turns on its end, you’re left wandering confused, and some schmuck claiming to be your father shows up and tells you that your mom is dead. (I mean really… I really felt sorry for Bambi. Not just because his mother died. But because his father, the supposed “Great Prince”, seems to be distant family abandoning jerk who’s very first words to the kid were to tell him that his mom’s gone. It’s a good thing that it was a Disney film or else the little guy would have grown up with some serious issues.) These are the types of moments where you don’t know whether to cry, scream, punch someone, or drink yourself into a coma. (Don’t do it Bambi. Don’t turn to the bottle.)

Moments like:

Driving home from a particularly good date and your car suddenly catches fire.

Being dumped while on vacation…. With her… and her friends…. In a beach house… more than a 10 hour drive away from home…. And you didn’t drive!

Finding out that your 50+ year old father is dating someone a year younger than you are. (Well that’s more of a “WTF Moment”)

“Job?... You don’t have it anymore.”

Those are all just examples. I’m sure some of you have more extreme or more tame Bambi Moments. But it doesn’t make them any less or more traumatizing. (Well maybe they do. But this is MY blog and therefore it’s all about ME.)

Fire?!

The reason why I’m bringing up “Bambi Moments” is because I nearly had one the other night. As I was being dropped off after work I noticed three little girls rushing out of my apartment building. Then I noticed the ominous smoke billowing inside of the building. (It has big glass doors for the main entrance.) Instantly I hit that bizarrely calm mindset (which is actually part of “Freak-out-mode”) where I formulated a strategy instantly. Granted it wasn’t the most rational strategy but whatever.

1. Rush into the building and find the fire alarm

2. Pull fire alarm

3. Rush into my apartment

4. Open the patio door.

5. Find the rabbit cages.

6. Carry the rabbits to safety!

7. Go back into what could now be a blazing inferno.

8. Save computer.

9. Call 911 (maybe should do that first?)

10. Watch building burn down into nothing but smoldering ashes.

11. Freak out

Yes I would save my rabbits before bothering to help my neighbors. Why? Because I like my bunnies more than I like my neighbors. I might try to help the elderly and small children. But definitely not the ghetto-licious tramp that stand in the hallway screaming into her cell phone at the wee hours of the morning. (with all that makeup on she’s probably fire retardant anyway. Although… all that pleather will melt and fuse with her skin.)

As I rushed into the building to fulfill step #1 I realized that it in fact was not smoke. It was an airborne powder substance which smelled AWFUL and made it very difficult to breathe. At that point I had the following thoughts race through my head:

“WTF?”

“The smell… it hurts!”

“What is this stuff?”

“It’s a powder but it sure as hell isn’t talcum.”

“Where did three little girls get a hold of so much powder?!”

“I hope this crap isn’t caustic.”

“Naw… there’s no way little kids could get a hold of something deadly so easily.”

“Oh crap!”

At this point I rushed out of the building and my brain quickly prioritized the list. It jumped straight to #9, skipped #10, and rested on #11 for about 30 minutes.

I waited outside of the building warning neighbors for about an hour. (AN HOUR!) When the fire engines with their flashy lights pulled up I was way beyond my freak out mode and standing in the middle of the all too surreal “acceptance mode”.

I’d like to say that ever since my car fire I’ve been very unimpressed with people who call the fire department or 911 and can’t give even semi decent directions on where the chaos is. This has happened to me twice so far. The first time was the car fire in which a gentleman pulled over (turns out he was an off duty firefighter.) and called his department which was right up the street. Unfortunately there was a none too bright onlooker heading down rte. 29 south who phoned in right after. You see where this is a problem right? Being that my car is a blazing inferno on rte. 29 NORTH and the 2^nd caller told them that it was on 29 SOUTH, the truck went in the WRONG direction. (Oh and I also blame the dispatch. I mean who would you believe? The guy who called in first who you KNOW works for your station, or the rubbernecking moron who calls in second and reports it in a different direction?)

Back to the powder story.

Someone had called the fire department after I did and gave them the WRONG address which took the fire truck to the other side of that apartment complex. The driver then spent the remaining time searching until they came across the group standing outside of my building. (Thanks random do gooder who can’t get directions or addresses right. It was VERY cold out there.)

A single man jumps from the fire engine and strolls (casually mind you. Casually strolls as if it’s a sunny day in the park) into the building without saying a word to me. I watch as he looks around half heartedly as if he were in someone’s crappy yard sale. When he emerged from the building he walked directly to me. (Most likely because I flagged him down when he walked out of the building.)

“Would you happen to know what that stuff is?” I asked when he got into ear shot.

“Yeah.” That was it. Just a “yeah”.

I realized that maybe I should be precise in my questioning.

“Could you tell me what it is please?” I wasn’t being a smart ass. I was being concerned. I had been in the building, breathed some of it in, and was at that point coughing up phlegm every 10 minutes.

“It’s extinguisher chemical.” He said plainly and with a “duh! You should know this” look on his face.

You see that word in bold right there? That word by isn’t very frightening. But in the right conversation or situation it scares the crap out of people. My brain did some quick word math and came up with this:

Chemical + Lungs =…. (drum roll)….. -You

(I know that was complicated so let me put it into layman’s terms for you…. DEATH)

“Chemical?” I coughed (alot).

“Sir, you have nothing to worry about. It’ll just take a while for your lungs to clear out.”

I’d like to take this time to also state that I am very unimpressed with most “emergency responders” inability to not act as if someone’s crisis is no more than a minor annoying inconvenience to them. Sure it’s good to keep a calm and level head. But when you hit that point where you come off as nonchalant or apathetic you just seem like an asshole. Even if the situation isn’t dire, a touch of compassion in your voice or face does a lot.

“You’re sure?” I asked, because his blank face really wasn’t convincing me. That and I wonder how often he breathed the stuff in.

“Yes sir. As long as you didn’t breathe in mass amounts you should be fine.”

I had thought about asking him what he considered “mass amounts” were. Hell! to me, one breathe of that stuff was a mass amount. It was definitely more than I wanted. I decided not to ask. At that point I hacked up yet another large lung cookie, pulled a cigarette out, and lit up. It was then that he stared at me in utter disbelief as I stood there hacking batter and smoking.

After the building aired out, the powder settled, and I deemed it to be a non Bambi Moment I went inside and began another movie night. (After showering. That extinguisher powder really coats thing well.) I also verbally reaffirmed with the rabbits that they would be the first I save in a crisis situation….. unless I have a girlfriend. The rabbits visually reaffirmed that they will continue to look cute while being rescued in a crisis situation.

So since there was another movie night that means I’m going to write about. Much to your dismay.

Finding Neverland

This is an excellent movie. I down settled down expecting to see some blah blah boring documentary smothered in the glitz of Hollywood glamour. You know what I’m talking about. The type of stuff you watch and realize it’s a boring dried turd rolled in honey and sprinkled generously with sparkling caustic fairy dust manufactured in some third world sweat shop. (Go figure.. my word processor has no idea how to spell “turd”.) What I found was in fact something sparkling and beautiful and it didn’t smell faintly of poo. (Oh look. It can’t spell “poo” either. Curse you spell check.. CURSE YOU!) The movie essentially is a documentary slathered in Hollywood sauce. But they did a very good job of it.

I had been warned by a friend that the movie was boring. In fact she said that she hated it because she didn’t want or need to know “the back story”. And after watching the film I can say, “Woman! You’ve got no heart, no curiosity, or no sense of imagination. I listen to you no more!”. I’m really glad I didn’t listen to her. This movie was gold to me. The entire cast was excellent and the story (a true one mind you) was great. There were a few parts in there that were meant to be tear jerkers. Scenes meant solely and explicitly to squeeze the heart hard and force the tear ducts to react in urinating down your face. They were easily recognizable scenes to us stone cold bitter bastards. (Ok… so I wept… only a little though. Come one! It was near the end! It was sooooo touching. They were tears of joy… I swear. Shut up! I know what you’re thinking!)

The movie is about Sir James M. Barrie. (You will refer to him as “Sir”!) A playwright who finds himself down and out (I’m sensing a theme in the movies I watch) and lacking inspiration after a play of his flops. On a walk in the park with his dog he happens across a widow and her four young boys, who become his muse and impetus to write the beloved story of (If you haven’t guessed it yet) “Peter Pan”.

(Did you know that Peter Pan was actually where the name “Wendy” began?.... HA! I did… a long time ago. That makes me better than you if you didn’t know. BETTER THAN YOU!)

Of course I learned tons of Life Lessons from this film. But I really think that if I have to point them out to you then you’re beyond dense.

Oh ok… I’ll write a few.

Life Lessons:

1. It’s all about the imagination and magic.

2. Wait for the fairy dust you moron!

3. Kate Winslet and four boys can cure writer’s block.

That’s it for now. If you can’t gather any Life Lessons from this movie then you’re really lame…….. or a zombie.

Sin City

Do I really have to say anything about this movie?!

I swear, if you haven’t seen it then you’ve most likely been living under a rock. (Probably the same I was hiding and boozing under for a couple of years. Well at least I saw this movie when it hit the theaters. What’s your excuse, lame-tard?!...... I’m waiting….. Shut up! Your excuses and bantering mean nothing to me! Go watch this movie now!)

So, this movie is great! I’d give those of you who haven’t seen it a synopsis, but I’m really disappointed in the fact that you haven’t seen it yet.

I have gotten a few Life Lessons from it all. I’m feeling kind enough to post them.

Life Lessons:

1. Punching your partner is probably a bad idea.

2. An old slightly paunchy bastard can still get a hot chick. (You just have to wait.)

3. Even old slightly paunchy bastards can be badasses.

4. You really don’t need makeup to make Mickey Rourke a scary mo-fo. (But it does help to inspire extreme pants soiling.)

5. Killing a hooker may end up in you getting shot. And that’s not good.

6. Can’t kill a man without knowing for sure you ought to.

7. Hot women are in color while everything else is black and white.

8. Make sure that blonde hooker doesn’t have a twin sister, or else you’re gonna get a nasty pistol whipping.

9. An inversed “Charlie Brown” sweater equals an ass kicking.

10. Look out! Evil Frodo is sneaking up on you!

11. Frodo WILL kick your ass.

12. Mickey Rourke+Guard Dog=PETA on your ass!

13. Guard dogs are nothing to Mickey Rourke.

14. Boobs!

15. Goldie worked the clergy.

16. When a large man asks for rubber tubing, razor wire, and gloves…

17. Marv is badass!

18. Beware the phrase, “That there is one damn fine coat you're wearin'.”!

19. A nutjob’s guard dogs can be your friends.

20. The name “Kevin” should make you crap yourself in fear.

21. A hatchet to the nuts is a world of pain. And really not funny except for the guy with the hatchet.

22. Frodo really scares me now.

23. ok really? Boobs!

24. The name Dwight should make you crap yourself.

25. Tar pits and sewers are not your friend.

26. If Josh Hartnet says he loves you…. RUN!

27. Hookers scare me now.

28. It’s a very big mistake not to flush.

29. Pez dispensers can be funny, gross, and scary all the same time.

30. Rescue little girls in trouble. They might turn into Jessica Alba later.

31. You can use quotes from this movie for anything that happens in your life.

There! You happy now?! Go watch the freaking movie!

(I actually had to watch Sin City just to balance myself out after Finding Neverland.)

"Waltzing Matilda" is not dancing with a girl...

I don’t really have much to say blog-wise at the moment.

Actually I have a lot to say. But I don’t have the proper amount of time to type it all up. I’ll do it later (I be at the werkin place right now). But to keep you guys (the miniscule amount who actually read my blog) happy, I’ve posted another “Movie Night” blah blah blah ranty rant. Yes, last night I sat around and movie gawked again. This one is complete with LIFE LESSONS!

Enjoy… or not. I really couldn’t care less.

Movie Night 01/20/08

Leon: The Professional

This isn’t the first time I’ve seen this movie. I have to admit that it must be around the 30^th time I’ve watched it. This movie is (once again) great! There are a few scenes of “WTF?!” in there, but don’t worry, it all works out in the end.

The movie was written and directed by Luc Besson. The wonderful man who brought us “The Fifth Element”. (I swear if you talk crap about that movie I’ll do something horrible like delivering empty threats and weeping at how you just don’t understand.) With a cast of Jean Reno (a spectacular actor), Danny Aiello, Gary Oldman (HOLY CRAP! Isn’t that just freaking badassed awesomeness?!), a very young Natalie Portman, and a plant (don’t ask me. I didn’t make the film.).

Jean Reno plays a lonely, awkward, and illiterate Italian gentleman living in NYC (Leon). His life is fairly simple as a “cleaner” until he meets a mildly abused and misguided youth played by a very young Natalie Portman (Her character’s name is Mathilda. I swear every time I read or hear that name I instantly think of the song “Waltzing Matilda”. It’s not funny. And at the same time it is. You try watching a action movie while that song plays in your head.). By the way, the plant is played by a plant. During the course of events Leon ends up rescuing her after her craptastic parents are killed by a corrupt cop, played by Gary Oldman (I rank him up there with Christopher Walken. This man is badass at any part he plays. And any villain he plays is of course scary and badass in a beautiful “Oldman-style” mixture of creepy-awesome-disturbing. Did I mention that he’s awesome?). Somehow (most likely due to Hollywood script writing and magic) Mathilda (there’s that damn song in my head again) convinces Leon to aid her in her quest for vengeance.

I did manage to glean some helpful life lessons from this movie.

Live Lessons:

1. If someone with a gun tells you to go back inside… you should probably go back inside.

2. You just can’t deny a young weeping bloody nosed Natalie Portman.

3. I love Mozart! He was Austrian you know?

4. The team up of a tall Italian man and a little girl is heartfelt and dangerous. (seem familiar?)

5. Charades can be uncomfortable and bizarre.

6. Leon is an effing badass character!

7. Love your plant. It will be your best friend.

8. Tall Italian guys aren’t just suave. They can also be creepy and ninja-like stealthy. Try not to piss them off if you can.

9. No women, no children.

10. Milk does a “cleaner” good.

11. Stop saying “OK” all the time.

12. Coughing up you milk gets really annoying after a while.

13. Never get personal. That shit gets you shot. And that’s not fun.

14. Highwaters just aren’t cool. Even on badass people.

15. Never leave a 12 year old girl alone. She’ll talk all sorts of bizarre shit when you’re gone.

16. The ring trick equals a whole lot of hurt feelings!

17. Remember to always saran wrap your money.

18. I haven’t got time for this Mickey Mouse bullshit!

19. Little girls have vicious potty mouths.

20. “Transformers” = “Thoughts of revenge.”

21. Don’t buy presents for little girls. Eventually someone will want to have a word with you.

22. It’s not what you think, sicko!

23. Revenge is not good once you’re done. It’s better you forget. Believe me.

24. “Little Girl Games” are really screwed up!

25. Never piss off a 12 year old girl.

26. Just don’t go shooting out the window.

27. Aim for the heart and lungs.

28. Champagne makes 12 year old girls act like morons. Freaking lightweights!

29. Little girl vs. corrupt cop usually ends in failure.

30. An angry cleaner vs. a swat team always ends in victory.

31. Eric Serra is to Luc Besson as Danny Elfman is to Tim Burton.

32. I bought my little sister that same “popular” choker as a present. Oh wait… it was around the same time this movie came out. Turned out that it was too small. Great! Now I feel old and my sister feels like she’s fat.

33. Never ever confront Gary Oldman in the restroom.

34. Security guards never suspect a little girl working as a delivery person.

35. For some reason, in NYC, Italian food delivery is very suspicious.

36. This is something personal, is it?

37. I’ve had way too many beers to be writing anything coherent.

38. Why are you still reading this?

39. Gary Oldman alone in a room with someone makes me worry for the safety of humanity.

40. (Once again) No women, no kids.

41. I’ve had 6 beers and I can still type without backspacing on every other word!

42. Gary Oldman has a character named “Stan” in this film. My nickname is “Stan”. For some reason this disturbs the shit out of me.

43. Never apprehend little girls for toting guns. Eventually someone shoots you. And that’s not pleasant.

44. Feed your damn plant!

45. Teh womenz = teh hedgames.

46. Afterwards they started liking it. Like cigarettes.

47. You can’t stop love. (Whatever the hell that bullshit means.)

48. 500 feet with a lense.

49. Having a birthday party means you’re going to get the shit beat out of you.

50. Knocking codes come in handy.

How can you go wrong with life lessons like that?

This movie is also where I was first introduced to the song “Shape of My Heart” by Sting. This is one of my favorite songs. (Shut up! I know what you’re thinking! You shut your filthy whore mouth!)

I’m done now.

If you don’t mind, I’m going to go “waltzing matilda”.

01/17/08 Movie Night!

I tend to watch at least one movie every night. This is mainly because I have no cable, and for the time being my internet connection is nonexistent. Since it is usually while I attempt to do the typing of the blog thing I tend to want to write or talk about it. (usually write. Heaven forbid I decide to talk about it. Then you might get a phone call at 1 AM while I ramble or rant about it with a few beers in my system and a decidedly psychotic edge in my slightly slurred voice.) With that I’ve decided that I will punish you all with what I have to say about the movies I watch each night.

Yes, I know that I’ll most likely fall through and not post every day about the movie I watched. It’s very difficult keep to a schedule like that. Well it is for me… because I’m LAZY. But I’ll do my best. If there happens to be a day without a “I watched this movie” post then that means that I actually got out of the house to be social (yeah.. right), ended up watching an extremely bad movie and don’t want to relive the shame, passed out while watching the movie, I spent the night trying to kill unicorns, or I’m just a lazy bastard. I’ll most likely also post “Life Lessons” that I caught while watching the film. They’re usually very subtle and take a trained eye to catch. (usually because I’m bored, lonely, and looking for anything to keep me from thinking/realizing that I’m sitting around in my apartment with 4 rabbits and no company watching movies all night.) BTW there will most likely be spoilers.

Unluckily for you Thursday was a double! That’s right. I’m going to rant about 2 movies.

The first is “Man on Fire”. This is a phenomenal film. If you haven’t seen it then I DEMAND that you stop reading, rush out to buy/rent it, and watch it now. No.. I’m not kidding. WATCH IT NOW!

The cast contains Denzel Washington, Dakota Fanning, Marc Anthony, Mickey Rourke, Radha Mitchell, and Christopher Walken. Did you see that?! Christopher Walken! Just from that alone this movie is already platinum! I mean think about it. Christopher Walken and Denzel Washington in the same movie? At last I have a movie I can watch with my mother. She’s a diehard Denzel fan, and I’ll watch anything Walken related. Bonding moments abounds! There’s also an actor in it named Jesus Ochoa. Jesus is in one of my most favorite films! It’s like having Heaven’s blessing. (yes I know that it’s not pronounced the same way but it’s close enough for me.) There’s also some other big namers in there that I may have forgotten. (because it’s all about the Walken-Washington team up!)

So anyway… The movie is about a down and out burned-out alcoholic non-kid-friendly CIA operative named John Creasy, (Not played by Dakota Fanning in case you’re wondering. Although that would make it even more interesting) played by Denzel Washington (My mom loves him and he is awesome). Creasy, as he’s called, ends up finding his old buddy Paul Rayburn who is played by Christopher Walken (TEH AWESOME!). Through his connection with Rayburn, Creasy (who makes up these names?! I would have named him “John Badass-Buttkicker.) lands a job as a personal bodyguard for a nine year old girl named Pita Ramos who is played by Dakota Fanning (happy now?!). Through Hollywood magic and script writing Creasy begins to become more and more human, also closer to little Pita (It’s not what you think you sicko!). That is until the day that Pita is kidnapped. Hell, rage, and vengeance break loose as Creasy hits the warpath to bring Pita home.

The acting, action, and ass kicking are top notch in this film. I also (as you’ve guessed) learned many life lessons. And here they are.

Life Lessons:

1. There is a kidnapping every 60 minutes in Latin America.

2. If you’re the kid of a rich person in Latin America (Mexico) you’ll most likely end up half naked on the highway missing your clothes and one ear.

3. Even when dressed up in a suit, Mickey Rourke is a scary mutha!

4. Naming your kid “Pita” is just stupid. It’s a freaking bread. Who names there kid “bread”?! Oh wait. The actual name is Lupita, which is a far cry better than “Bread”.

5. Dakota Fanning is creepy. With her blue eyes, blonde hair, big smile, and above kid-average intelligence she’s like the perfect kid. And that creeps me out all to hell.

6. Naming your teddy bear after your bodyguard is a bad idea.

7. In certain religions there seems to be a saint for everything. Even business.

8. If you’re not an American it’s probably unwise to marry an American woman. They end up being nothing but demands and trouble.

9. Never vacation in Mexico City. Especially if you’re rich. (See #1 for reason why.)

10. I can vacation in Mexico without worry of kidnapping because I’m poor and my family is too. All you’ll get from me is screaming, crying, and soiled pants.

11. It is unwise to piss off Denzel Washington.

12. “Blue Bayou” may bring back nostalgia, but it will piss you off after a while.

13. Driving in Mexico City seems to be just like driving in NYC. Pack a gun and a bad attitude when in either place.

14. Radha makes pants tight.

15. “Claire de Lune” is a very soothing song. Almost too soothing.

16. Calling your best buddy at the wee hours of the morning about a bad primer is probably a case of poor judgment. Don’t be that guy.

17. Heaven ain’t closed in a place like this…

18. A team up of a big black man and little white girl is heartfelt and dangerous.

19. Forced piano lessons for a little girl are a sentence for terror and kidnapping.

20. The emperor of China had 1000 concubines.

21. Denzel is the perfect swimming coach.

22. Bring it back down, bring it back down tonight….

23. If you wake up bound to your steering wheel it’s ok to crap yourself.

24. Christopher Walken is freaking awesome in any role he plays.

25. Saint Jude is the patron saint of lost causes. (see #7.)

26. You can quit your alcohol problem in one day as long as you have the bible and a little white girl on your side.

27. Marc Anthony is a bastard. Never trust him.

28. Belching really pisses off any pro pianist trying to teach you.

29. Shooting Denzel is not going to keep him from hunting you down and doing horrible things to you.

30. I’m going to kill them. Anyone who was involved, anyone who profited from it, anyone who opens their eyes at me.

31. You kill them all.

32. Never ever ever piss off a mother.

33. Plastic explosives, a timer, a detonator, a pager, duct tape, and a charger can equal up being a world of laughter and fun.

34. A wad of cash and a shotgun will get you into any rave you want.

35. If you’re from Jersey, don’t open a rave in Mexico. Denzel will come for you.

36. “Who’s the boss?!”

37. Living in a protected compound and traveling by motorcade doesn’t save you from vengeance.

38. The church says to forgive. But it’s easier and much more fun to use a bazooka.

39. Having a chronic case of the “ass blasters” is not fun. Yet extremely hilarious.

40. I wish you had more time.

Well that’s all I have for “Man on Fire”. Once again, it is an excellent film!

OMG! It must be Denzel Washington night. My mom would be proud.

Now for the next movie. Which is also a great one. There’s no “Life Lessons” for this one. Mainly because I’m lazy.

Movie number 2 is “Out of Time”.

First I have to say that this movie seems to be chocked full of just enough “SEXY”. With Denzel Washington, Dean Cain, Sanaa Lathan, and Eva Mendes this movie has enough sexy to keep someone hot and bothered for days.

Denzel constantly drips and reeks of “I’m Denzel Washington. I’m a suave sexy mutha! The ladies love my Denzel style”. And this movie has some “Denzel Style” in it. (Shut up! Just because I’m calling a man attractive doesn’t mean anything. I am perfectly comfortable with my sexuality…. Whatever that may be. *I like girls*)

Dean Cain is simply Dean Cain. Men and women alike make with the loving of him. I mean he’s freaking Superman in the Lois and Clark series. And he makes a damn fine super being! (actually I really hated Lois and Clark. Almost as much as I dislike Smallville. So out of spite I’m going to have to revoke Dean’s “sexy” status. He’s still a good actor though.)

Sanaa Lathan and Eva Mendes are just too damn HOT for words. Throughout the whole movie I kept tossing and turning between the two. I was constantly left wondering WWDD? (That means, “Who Would Denzel Do?”) As it turns out… it’s both! And I heartily agree.

The plot of the film is interesting. It has it faults and flaws but it was still a good film. There are a few moments where you’re wondering, “What will Denzel do next?”. Unfortunately those really aren’t the grippers and keepers. The moments that really kept me in this movie are moments where I was thinking, “Holy Crap Eva! You may be hot as all get out, but how dumb can you be?” (granted her character was written that way for the film). There’s too many scenes where everyone and their grandmother knows what’s going on other than poor deliciously sexy Eva. But even still I was enthralled. My kudos to the director and writer for me keeping entertained just enough. I really must say that the movie is a good watch. If you ever get the chance please settle down with a bowl of popcorn, Chex Mix, or kitten heads and take a gander.

You know, I just realized that I didn’t say much about the actual movie. And I don’t really care. (It’s not like I’m being paid for this)

And that is all I have to say for now.