So here I am in my second week of the new job.
Currently my job title is Utility Engineer. Which is a very nice way of saying, “High Priced Janitor”. But the truth is that I do a myriad of things. I sweep, mop, clean, do the yard work, and I even get to help the guys in the compression building while they work on the epic sized engines. The compression building has its name because it houses 12 GIANT engines which compress natural gas and send it on its way up the pipeline along the east coast.
So far here is what I’ve learned while on the job.
1. There are many machines that start automatically without warning. It’s best not to have your hands on or near the moving parts when they kick on. In fact… don’t touch a damn thing.
2. No matter what you do you will get dirty. No, really. You can sit in an office all day and somehow end up with engine spooge on you.
3. Everyone and their freaking mother will get in your way and drive 10 under the speed limit when you’re trying to drive to work.
4. The gas powered lawn trimmer is not toy. It is a weapon. (insert evil laughter here.)
5. The leaf blower is safe. WRONG! It too is a wonderful weapon.
6. There are large fans in the roof over the compression building. There are also stupid birds that nest near them. This will result in headless birds from time to time.
7. No one bothers you when you’re wielding gas powered lawn tools.
8. The brooms and mops do not start automatically.
9. When you work with old guys you’re going to have to hear “advice” and stories of their family. Whether you want it or not.
10. There are warning signs for a reason. Don’t touch them. They may start automatically without warning.
11. Sometimes in order to repair a machine you’ll need a very large wrench. And in order to operate that very large wrench you’ll need another machine to lift and operate it. Don’t touch that machine! Please see #1 for reference.
And all that was learned on my first day.
Friday they decided to throw me a loop and made me “take a walk”. This meant that they were going to make me walk the “Right of Way” for a flame ionization test. This required a group of us walking the pipeline for a while with machines meant to detect if there are gas leaks in the pipeline. This means that we get to walk VERY long strip of land through people’s back yards. The area we walked Friday was through the neighborhoods and lawns of the rich. I’m sure it’s very unsettling to mow your lawn and find 4 men in yellow hazard vests waiving detection wands as they stroll through your yard. Here’s a nice conversation that I had on my walk.
Me: Morning sir.
Guy: Good morning. What are you doing on my property?
Me: I’m doing a flame ionization test. There is a pipeline of natural gas that runs from the gulf of Mexico up the east coast. We periodically check the pipeline to make sure there aren’t any leaks.
Guy: There’s a pipeline of gas under my back yard?
Me: Actually this area we’re searching belongs to the pipeline company. This little stretch isn’t part of your land.
Guy: Well shit! I guess I can stop mowing your lawn then.
Walking the pipeline isn’t as leisurely as you’d think it would be. There’s many obstacles to overcome as you stroll. Fences, hills, unyielding traffic, dogs, ponds, and marshes. There’s also the expectable unexpected things. Such as stepping on the leg of a deer corpse or into a groundhog hole. And then there’s the shit. After a while of walking I began to keep track of the different piles my foot fell into. It was if my boots became a crap magnet.
Dog: That’s a given. Walking through yards you’re bound to hit a steaming fresh pile of 20.
Cat: It happens from time to time. Walking the pipeline means you’ll hit areas that feral cats frequent.
Deer: You’ll hit a few wooded areas. And where there are woods there might be deer… and deer shit… and deer ticks. (we’ll go into the ticks later.)
Duck: And um gross.
Goose: Goose droppings are extremely nasty. And it seems to be EVERYWHERE.
Rabbit: You don’t really step in it but on it. No harm no foul.
Unknown: There were a few lumps that I just couldn’t match. Perhaps a bear? Or a squirrel with IBS?
You also learn that you should be wearing rubber boots. Sloshing about in mud and muck there’s no way to keep your shoes or pant legs clean and dry without the protective powers of rubber. Needless to say, I was ill equipped and the crew didn’t think to key the new guy in.
So far the new job has been interesting and surprisingly fun.
I leave you now with…..
Yes... That is cheese. CHEESE!
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