"Waltzing Matilda" is not dancing with a girl...

I don’t really have much to say blog-wise at the moment.

Actually I have a lot to say. But I don’t have the proper amount of time to type it all up. I’ll do it later (I be at the werkin place right now). But to keep you guys (the miniscule amount who actually read my blog) happy, I’ve posted another “Movie Night” blah blah blah ranty rant. Yes, last night I sat around and movie gawked again. This one is complete with LIFE LESSONS!

Enjoy… or not. I really couldn’t care less.

Movie Night 01/20/08

Leon: The Professional

This isn’t the first time I’ve seen this movie. I have to admit that it must be around the 30^th time I’ve watched it. This movie is (once again) great! There are a few scenes of “WTF?!” in there, but don’t worry, it all works out in the end.

The movie was written and directed by Luc Besson. The wonderful man who brought us “The Fifth Element”. (I swear if you talk crap about that movie I’ll do something horrible like delivering empty threats and weeping at how you just don’t understand.) With a cast of Jean Reno (a spectacular actor), Danny Aiello, Gary Oldman (HOLY CRAP! Isn’t that just freaking badassed awesomeness?!), a very young Natalie Portman, and a plant (don’t ask me. I didn’t make the film.).

Jean Reno plays a lonely, awkward, and illiterate Italian gentleman living in NYC (Leon). His life is fairly simple as a “cleaner” until he meets a mildly abused and misguided youth played by a very young Natalie Portman (Her character’s name is Mathilda. I swear every time I read or hear that name I instantly think of the song “Waltzing Matilda”. It’s not funny. And at the same time it is. You try watching a action movie while that song plays in your head.). By the way, the plant is played by a plant. During the course of events Leon ends up rescuing her after her craptastic parents are killed by a corrupt cop, played by Gary Oldman (I rank him up there with Christopher Walken. This man is badass at any part he plays. And any villain he plays is of course scary and badass in a beautiful “Oldman-style” mixture of creepy-awesome-disturbing. Did I mention that he’s awesome?). Somehow (most likely due to Hollywood script writing and magic) Mathilda (there’s that damn song in my head again) convinces Leon to aid her in her quest for vengeance.

I did manage to glean some helpful life lessons from this movie.

Live Lessons:

1. If someone with a gun tells you to go back inside… you should probably go back inside.

2. You just can’t deny a young weeping bloody nosed Natalie Portman.

3. I love Mozart! He was Austrian you know?

4. The team up of a tall Italian man and a little girl is heartfelt and dangerous. (seem familiar?)

5. Charades can be uncomfortable and bizarre.

6. Leon is an effing badass character!

7. Love your plant. It will be your best friend.

8. Tall Italian guys aren’t just suave. They can also be creepy and ninja-like stealthy. Try not to piss them off if you can.

9. No women, no children.

10. Milk does a “cleaner” good.

11. Stop saying “OK” all the time.

12. Coughing up you milk gets really annoying after a while.

13. Never get personal. That shit gets you shot. And that’s not fun.

14. Highwaters just aren’t cool. Even on badass people.

15. Never leave a 12 year old girl alone. She’ll talk all sorts of bizarre shit when you’re gone.

16. The ring trick equals a whole lot of hurt feelings!

17. Remember to always saran wrap your money.

18. I haven’t got time for this Mickey Mouse bullshit!

19. Little girls have vicious potty mouths.

20. “Transformers” = “Thoughts of revenge.”

21. Don’t buy presents for little girls. Eventually someone will want to have a word with you.

22. It’s not what you think, sicko!

23. Revenge is not good once you’re done. It’s better you forget. Believe me.

24. “Little Girl Games” are really screwed up!

25. Never piss off a 12 year old girl.

26. Just don’t go shooting out the window.

27. Aim for the heart and lungs.

28. Champagne makes 12 year old girls act like morons. Freaking lightweights!

29. Little girl vs. corrupt cop usually ends in failure.

30. An angry cleaner vs. a swat team always ends in victory.

31. Eric Serra is to Luc Besson as Danny Elfman is to Tim Burton.

32. I bought my little sister that same “popular” choker as a present. Oh wait… it was around the same time this movie came out. Turned out that it was too small. Great! Now I feel old and my sister feels like she’s fat.

33. Never ever confront Gary Oldman in the restroom.

34. Security guards never suspect a little girl working as a delivery person.

35. For some reason, in NYC, Italian food delivery is very suspicious.

36. This is something personal, is it?

37. I’ve had way too many beers to be writing anything coherent.

38. Why are you still reading this?

39. Gary Oldman alone in a room with someone makes me worry for the safety of humanity.

40. (Once again) No women, no kids.

41. I’ve had 6 beers and I can still type without backspacing on every other word!

42. Gary Oldman has a character named “Stan” in this film. My nickname is “Stan”. For some reason this disturbs the shit out of me.

43. Never apprehend little girls for toting guns. Eventually someone shoots you. And that’s not pleasant.

44. Feed your damn plant!

45. Teh womenz = teh hedgames.

46. Afterwards they started liking it. Like cigarettes.

47. You can’t stop love. (Whatever the hell that bullshit means.)

48. 500 feet with a lense.

49. Having a birthday party means you’re going to get the shit beat out of you.

50. Knocking codes come in handy.

How can you go wrong with life lessons like that?

This movie is also where I was first introduced to the song “Shape of My Heart” by Sting. This is one of my favorite songs. (Shut up! I know what you’re thinking! You shut your filthy whore mouth!)

I’m done now.

If you don’t mind, I’m going to go “waltzing matilda”.