Unemploymentation!!

2007 brought you great hits like:

Car-b-que on Rte. 29 North

Emission Test Failure

Debt ain’t nothing but a 4 letter word

Converters of the Catalytic Kind

What happens in Vegas gets puked up in the toilet

Crank Sensor Deprivation

I know why the debt collector calls

She turns left and I clip her rear (I wasn’t flirting)

Dumped while stuck in a beach house on vacation with her and her friends

I’m drunk and still the most responsible person here

No money means no gas and electricity

Debt Collectors do it from behind

Seeing Unicorns again (Inside joke)

Well now 2008 starts like a bang with the smash hit:

Unemploymentation!

That’s right kiddies! I get to rock out to the wonderful tune of joblessness. I know you’re jealous. I can see you turning green from here. And what a lovely shade it is. It reminds me of money. That which I will run out of quickly.

At the moment I’m not completely let go. They’ve given me a 5 month “grace” period. My manager was kind enough to give me this time when I told him that my lease on the apartment was up in June. And I repaid his kindness by not freaking out and destroying things.

There’s something sobering and all too “real” when your boss pulls you into his office, closes the door, and says “You might want to take a seat for this”. It seems that I was not performing up to snuff in my duties. Funny thing about that. I had thought I was improving. And as it turns out in the corporate world, no one tells you that you suck until it’s pink slip day. Luckily (and unluckily) for me my manager gave me the option of turning in my resignation.

I can’t really be pissed at anyone other than myself. Somewhere somehow I screwed up. Perhaps more than once. But due to that I’m being canned. (Or being asked for my resignation if you will. You know it’s like being told “You suck so bad we feel sorry for you. We’re going to dump your sorry ass but to make you feel better about yourself we’ll let you beg to be let go. Go ahead, beg. BEG FOR YOUR UNEMPLOYMENT!”) In a really bizarre way I relate it to when I was a kid seeing Bambi for the first time. I felt just about the same emotions when I heard “You’re mother can’t be with you anymore”. Sadness, pain, rage, and oddly enough the urge to drink myself into a coma. (funny how when you’re a little kid you seem to want to drink yourself into a coma when hit with really bad news. Go figure. Little kids are just really screwed up in the head!)

Last night I had a couple of beers and watched King Kong. The Peter Jackson version. I never saw it when it hit the theaters and figured I should watch it when I saw the DVD case at my mom’s house. (Mainly because I have no cable or suitable TV reception at my apartment. I also needed something to keep me occupied after having been told the aforementioned news.) It’s not a horrible movie. It’s got Jack Black in it, and giant gorilla fighting three (not one or two but THREE! Count them! THREE!) T-rexes! I mean who could ask for anything better. I especially love the part at the end where Kong looks at Anne with this look that says “Dammit woman! You’re nothing but trouble!”. There’s also tons of life lessons in this film. Lessons such as:

1. Skull Island is a shitty vacation spot.

2. Natives always pick a blonde haired white girl for sacrifice.

3. When the shit hits the fan the coolest black guy is going to die.

4. Cheap and corny vaudeville acts will soothe or entertain the savage beast.

5. Ultra large centipedes creep the hell out of me!

6. Just because a woman is running around through a prehistoric jungle in nothing but her nightgown doesn’t mean you’ll see boobies or even a nipple.

7. I like big butts and I cannot lie.

8. Screaming in a high pitched shrill tone will summon more T-rexes. But also Kong to your rescue.

9. A group of three T-rex would rather go after a tiny bite of a human rather than a full course meal such as a giant silver back gorilla.

10. Vines are your friend.

11. Giant prehistoric bat things are not your friend.

12. When in trouble and vines are not being very friendly, a giant prehistoric bat thing is your only hope.

13. You other brothers can’t deny.

14. Blondes fall in love with anything large, hairy, loud, and smelly. You just have to defend the blonde from hungry dinosaurs first.

15. Never trust Jack Black.

16. Any sort of gigantic bug creep the hell out of me. Even giant crickets!

17. Where have all the cowboys gone?

18. Punching something that resembles a giant nasty bloodworm or tapeworm is no good.

19. Jack Black can certainly kick much of the giant bug ass!

20. My mother will always call in the middle of the movie for no reason whatsoever.

21. Kong is not impressed by your pathetic CG induced juggling skills.

22. Sleeping in the arms of a giant gorilla while far away from home in a prehistoric wilderness is very comfortable.

23. Monkeys like to climb anything tall. Trees, mountains, or buildings. It’s their thing.

24. Blonde chicks get giant gorillas in trouble.

25. A gigantic silver back gorilla can stomp the crap out of three (once again count it! Three! Freaking 3!) T-rexes, but is prey to old lame and inaccurate guns mounted on a biplane.

With those hidden messages of guidance who could go wrong in their lives?! And now I wait for the King Kong versus Godzilla remake.

Well that’s pretty much all I have at the moment. I’ll probably have more to say later.

Until then, all you blonde girls remember that Kong LOVES you!

(Better stock up on the chloroform ladies.)