01/17/08 Movie Night!

I tend to watch at least one movie every night. This is mainly because I have no cable, and for the time being my internet connection is nonexistent. Since it is usually while I attempt to do the typing of the blog thing I tend to want to write or talk about it. (usually write. Heaven forbid I decide to talk about it. Then you might get a phone call at 1 AM while I ramble or rant about it with a few beers in my system and a decidedly psychotic edge in my slightly slurred voice.) With that I’ve decided that I will punish you all with what I have to say about the movies I watch each night.

Yes, I know that I’ll most likely fall through and not post every day about the movie I watched. It’s very difficult keep to a schedule like that. Well it is for me… because I’m LAZY. But I’ll do my best. If there happens to be a day without a “I watched this movie” post then that means that I actually got out of the house to be social (yeah.. right), ended up watching an extremely bad movie and don’t want to relive the shame, passed out while watching the movie, I spent the night trying to kill unicorns, or I’m just a lazy bastard. I’ll most likely also post “Life Lessons” that I caught while watching the film. They’re usually very subtle and take a trained eye to catch. (usually because I’m bored, lonely, and looking for anything to keep me from thinking/realizing that I’m sitting around in my apartment with 4 rabbits and no company watching movies all night.) BTW there will most likely be spoilers.

Unluckily for you Thursday was a double! That’s right. I’m going to rant about 2 movies.

The first is “Man on Fire”. This is a phenomenal film. If you haven’t seen it then I DEMAND that you stop reading, rush out to buy/rent it, and watch it now. No.. I’m not kidding. WATCH IT NOW!

The cast contains Denzel Washington, Dakota Fanning, Marc Anthony, Mickey Rourke, Radha Mitchell, and Christopher Walken. Did you see that?! Christopher Walken! Just from that alone this movie is already platinum! I mean think about it. Christopher Walken and Denzel Washington in the same movie? At last I have a movie I can watch with my mother. She’s a diehard Denzel fan, and I’ll watch anything Walken related. Bonding moments abounds! There’s also an actor in it named Jesus Ochoa. Jesus is in one of my most favorite films! It’s like having Heaven’s blessing. (yes I know that it’s not pronounced the same way but it’s close enough for me.) There’s also some other big namers in there that I may have forgotten. (because it’s all about the Walken-Washington team up!)

So anyway… The movie is about a down and out burned-out alcoholic non-kid-friendly CIA operative named John Creasy, (Not played by Dakota Fanning in case you’re wondering. Although that would make it even more interesting) played by Denzel Washington (My mom loves him and he is awesome). Creasy, as he’s called, ends up finding his old buddy Paul Rayburn who is played by Christopher Walken (TEH AWESOME!). Through his connection with Rayburn, Creasy (who makes up these names?! I would have named him “John Badass-Buttkicker.) lands a job as a personal bodyguard for a nine year old girl named Pita Ramos who is played by Dakota Fanning (happy now?!). Through Hollywood magic and script writing Creasy begins to become more and more human, also closer to little Pita (It’s not what you think you sicko!). That is until the day that Pita is kidnapped. Hell, rage, and vengeance break loose as Creasy hits the warpath to bring Pita home.

The acting, action, and ass kicking are top notch in this film. I also (as you’ve guessed) learned many life lessons. And here they are.

Life Lessons:

1. There is a kidnapping every 60 minutes in Latin America.

2. If you’re the kid of a rich person in Latin America (Mexico) you’ll most likely end up half naked on the highway missing your clothes and one ear.

3. Even when dressed up in a suit, Mickey Rourke is a scary mutha!

4. Naming your kid “Pita” is just stupid. It’s a freaking bread. Who names there kid “bread”?! Oh wait. The actual name is Lupita, which is a far cry better than “Bread”.

5. Dakota Fanning is creepy. With her blue eyes, blonde hair, big smile, and above kid-average intelligence she’s like the perfect kid. And that creeps me out all to hell.

6. Naming your teddy bear after your bodyguard is a bad idea.

7. In certain religions there seems to be a saint for everything. Even business.

8. If you’re not an American it’s probably unwise to marry an American woman. They end up being nothing but demands and trouble.

9. Never vacation in Mexico City. Especially if you’re rich. (See #1 for reason why.)

10. I can vacation in Mexico without worry of kidnapping because I’m poor and my family is too. All you’ll get from me is screaming, crying, and soiled pants.

11. It is unwise to piss off Denzel Washington.

12. “Blue Bayou” may bring back nostalgia, but it will piss you off after a while.

13. Driving in Mexico City seems to be just like driving in NYC. Pack a gun and a bad attitude when in either place.

14. Radha makes pants tight.

15. “Claire de Lune” is a very soothing song. Almost too soothing.

16. Calling your best buddy at the wee hours of the morning about a bad primer is probably a case of poor judgment. Don’t be that guy.

17. Heaven ain’t closed in a place like this…

18. A team up of a big black man and little white girl is heartfelt and dangerous.

19. Forced piano lessons for a little girl are a sentence for terror and kidnapping.

20. The emperor of China had 1000 concubines.

21. Denzel is the perfect swimming coach.

22. Bring it back down, bring it back down tonight….

23. If you wake up bound to your steering wheel it’s ok to crap yourself.

24. Christopher Walken is freaking awesome in any role he plays.

25. Saint Jude is the patron saint of lost causes. (see #7.)

26. You can quit your alcohol problem in one day as long as you have the bible and a little white girl on your side.

27. Marc Anthony is a bastard. Never trust him.

28. Belching really pisses off any pro pianist trying to teach you.

29. Shooting Denzel is not going to keep him from hunting you down and doing horrible things to you.

30. I’m going to kill them. Anyone who was involved, anyone who profited from it, anyone who opens their eyes at me.

31. You kill them all.

32. Never ever ever piss off a mother.

33. Plastic explosives, a timer, a detonator, a pager, duct tape, and a charger can equal up being a world of laughter and fun.

34. A wad of cash and a shotgun will get you into any rave you want.

35. If you’re from Jersey, don’t open a rave in Mexico. Denzel will come for you.

36. “Who’s the boss?!”

37. Living in a protected compound and traveling by motorcade doesn’t save you from vengeance.

38. The church says to forgive. But it’s easier and much more fun to use a bazooka.

39. Having a chronic case of the “ass blasters” is not fun. Yet extremely hilarious.

40. I wish you had more time.

Well that’s all I have for “Man on Fire”. Once again, it is an excellent film!

OMG! It must be Denzel Washington night. My mom would be proud.

Now for the next movie. Which is also a great one. There’s no “Life Lessons” for this one. Mainly because I’m lazy.

Movie number 2 is “Out of Time”.

First I have to say that this movie seems to be chocked full of just enough “SEXY”. With Denzel Washington, Dean Cain, Sanaa Lathan, and Eva Mendes this movie has enough sexy to keep someone hot and bothered for days.

Denzel constantly drips and reeks of “I’m Denzel Washington. I’m a suave sexy mutha! The ladies love my Denzel style”. And this movie has some “Denzel Style” in it. (Shut up! Just because I’m calling a man attractive doesn’t mean anything. I am perfectly comfortable with my sexuality…. Whatever that may be. *I like girls*)

Dean Cain is simply Dean Cain. Men and women alike make with the loving of him. I mean he’s freaking Superman in the Lois and Clark series. And he makes a damn fine super being! (actually I really hated Lois and Clark. Almost as much as I dislike Smallville. So out of spite I’m going to have to revoke Dean’s “sexy” status. He’s still a good actor though.)

Sanaa Lathan and Eva Mendes are just too damn HOT for words. Throughout the whole movie I kept tossing and turning between the two. I was constantly left wondering WWDD? (That means, “Who Would Denzel Do?”) As it turns out… it’s both! And I heartily agree.

The plot of the film is interesting. It has it faults and flaws but it was still a good film. There are a few moments where you’re wondering, “What will Denzel do next?”. Unfortunately those really aren’t the grippers and keepers. The moments that really kept me in this movie are moments where I was thinking, “Holy Crap Eva! You may be hot as all get out, but how dumb can you be?” (granted her character was written that way for the film). There’s too many scenes where everyone and their grandmother knows what’s going on other than poor deliciously sexy Eva. But even still I was enthralled. My kudos to the director and writer for me keeping entertained just enough. I really must say that the movie is a good watch. If you ever get the chance please settle down with a bowl of popcorn, Chex Mix, or kitten heads and take a gander.

You know, I just realized that I didn’t say much about the actual movie. And I don’t really care. (It’s not like I’m being paid for this)

And that is all I have to say for now.