America has got to be bored

Did you know that there is a sport called Speed Stacking?
It's a sport that involves stacking cups. No really I'm serious... cup... stacking.. in high speed.
While watching it it seems amazing, but at the same time I have to wonder how fucking bored America must be.
Well we have football, basketball, baseball, hockey, lacrosse, blah blah blah... Oh I know.. Lets see how fast someone can stack cups!
Don't believe me? Well here it is!



Oh keep watching and you'll see the next epic Olympic event!

Webcomic

Seems that I created a semi sorta kinda maybe almost webcomic/blog. I'm not sure what the hell I'm going to do with it, but there's content at least.
Check it out and tell me what you think.

Herniated Sanity

Now back to your irregularly scheduled programming.

The post titled "Coasting" has been moved.
Not like anyone reads this thing.

Crank Cases and The Right Of Way

One of these little guys would really come in handy at work.

So here I am in my second week of the new job.

Currently my job title is Utility Engineer. Which is a very nice way of saying, “High Priced Janitor”. But the truth is that I do a myriad of things. I sweep, mop, clean, do the yard work, and I even get to help the guys in the compression building while they work on the epic sized engines. The compression building has its name because it houses 12 GIANT engines which compress natural gas and send it on its way up the pipeline along the east coast.

So far here is what I’ve learned while on the job.

1. There are many machines that start automatically without warning. It’s best not to have your hands on or near the moving parts when they kick on. In fact… don’t touch a damn thing.

2. No matter what you do you will get dirty. No, really. You can sit in an office all day and somehow end up with engine spooge on you.

3. Everyone and their freaking mother will get in your way and drive 10 under the speed limit when you’re trying to drive to work.

4. The gas powered lawn trimmer is not toy. It is a weapon. (insert evil laughter here.)

5. The leaf blower is safe. WRONG! It too is a wonderful weapon.

6. There are large fans in the roof over the compression building. There are also stupid birds that nest near them. This will result in headless birds from time to time.

7. No one bothers you when you’re wielding gas powered lawn tools.

8. The brooms and mops do not start automatically.

9. When you work with old guys you’re going to have to hear “advice” and stories of their family. Whether you want it or not.

10. There are warning signs for a reason. Don’t touch them. They may start automatically without warning.

11. Sometimes in order to repair a machine you’ll need a very large wrench. And in order to operate that very large wrench you’ll need another machine to lift and operate it. Don’t touch that machine! Please see #1 for reference.

And all that was learned on my first day.

Friday they decided to throw me a loop and made me “take a walk”. This meant that they were going to make me walk the “Right of Way” for a flame ionization test. This required a group of us walking the pipeline for a while with machines meant to detect if there are gas leaks in the pipeline. This means that we get to walk VERY long strip of land through people’s back yards. The area we walked Friday was through the neighborhoods and lawns of the rich. I’m sure it’s very unsettling to mow your lawn and find 4 men in yellow hazard vests waiving detection wands as they stroll through your yard. Here’s a nice conversation that I had on my walk.

Me: Morning sir.

Guy: Good morning. What are you doing on my property?

Me: I’m doing a flame ionization test. There is a pipeline of natural gas that runs from the gulf of Mexico up the east coast. We periodically check the pipeline to make sure there aren’t any leaks.

Guy: There’s a pipeline of gas under my back yard?

Me: Actually this area we’re searching belongs to the pipeline company. This little stretch isn’t part of your land.

Guy: Well shit! I guess I can stop mowing your lawn then.

Walking the pipeline isn’t as leisurely as you’d think it would be. There’s many obstacles to overcome as you stroll. Fences, hills, unyielding traffic, dogs, ponds, and marshes. There’s also the expectable unexpected things. Such as stepping on the leg of a deer corpse or into a groundhog hole. And then there’s the shit. After a while of walking I began to keep track of the different piles my foot fell into. It was if my boots became a crap magnet.

Dog: That’s a given. Walking through yards you’re bound to hit a steaming fresh pile of 20.

Cat: It happens from time to time. Walking the pipeline means you’ll hit areas that feral cats frequent.

Deer: You’ll hit a few wooded areas. And where there are woods there might be deer… and deer shit… and deer ticks. (we’ll go into the ticks later.)

Duck: And um gross.

Goose: Goose droppings are extremely nasty. And it seems to be EVERYWHERE.

Rabbit: You don’t really step in it but on it. No harm no foul.

Unknown: There were a few lumps that I just couldn’t match. Perhaps a bear? Or a squirrel with IBS?

You also learn that you should be wearing rubber boots. Sloshing about in mud and muck there’s no way to keep your shoes or pant legs clean and dry without the protective powers of rubber. Needless to say, I was ill equipped and the crew didn’t think to key the new guy in.

So far the new job has been interesting and surprisingly fun.

I leave you now with…..

Yes... That is cheese. CHEESE!

The End of Days

Well here we are at the last day. The end of days.

For those of you who don’t know. This is my last day working as a sales rep for a games distributor. I’d like to say that I made the decision to move on to greener pastures or something like that. But no. I was actually canned. Fired. Terminated. Asked to get the hell out. But they did it in a nice manner in which they asked for my two weeks. In turn I managed to finagle till the 30^th of June. The stipulation was that if I found employment elsewhere before that date I would submit my notice.

That elsewhere employment I found was working for Williams Pipeline. We’ll go into that on another day in another post.

Yes. Here we are on the last day as a sales rep at a desk job.

I’m sure I don’t have to explain to you that there’s a surreal feeling that comes over an employee on their last day. A feeling of odd empowerment in which you can do anything.

I started the day with a check list of things I wanted to get done before the end of my last day. It started out with noble intentions. But with all things I put my mind to it became a bit warped. I’ve managed to complete all the tasks on my list and have begun doing other things which I haven’t added to the list yet. So far here is what we have:

Action	Status	Outcome
Clean out the office:	DONE	Clean office
Give unwanted items as gifts to coworkers:	DONE	Bewildered coworkers
Read over all the funny emails:	DONE	Maniacal laughter
Stroll aimlessly through the offices:	DONE	n/a
Call all customers and let them know you're leaving:	DONE	Many well wishes from people who hate you
Send out a mass email to everyone in the company:	DONE	Many well wishes from people who hate you
Dance up and down the hallways:	DONE	Instant 30 min. dance party
Laugh maniacally at random:	DONE	Scared coworkers
Grind crotch on office chairs and desks:	DONE	People afraid to touch things
Punch a coworker:	DONE	Laughter of many. Hurt chest of one.
Use the term "Fuck your face" continuously:	DONE	Riotous laughter and some bewilderment.
Loom over people as they work:	DONE	Wary coworkers
Glare at anyone who makes eye contact:	DONE	Scared coworkers
Hiss at anyone who talks to you:	DONE	Scared coworkers
Make lewd comments to coworkers:	DONE	Giggles
Proposition people for sexual acts:	DONE	No takers. (Thank goodness)

I need a smoke… and a towel.

Kansas... my birth state.... home of the WTF!

By no means will I defend the state of Kansas or its inhabitants. And even though I have just admitted that I was born in Kansas I will adamantly deny it if you confront me about it.

Well, I guess Kansas can actually be a nice place despite the tornadoes, crappy winters, lack of anything interesting to do, and various other things. I mean if you’re the type of person who wants to sit on the shitter for 2 years straight without someone hassling you, then Kansas is the place for you.

A little too far maybe?

Jeez! They went all sorts of ballistic on this kid. It was a bag of candy!

I wonder if there were headlines in the school news paper about a young vice president caught in the illicit act of contraband candy purchasing.

“Skittles was quoted in saying that it had to take the ‘bus’ to meet up with ‘Student 9’ in class.”

Really.. School authorities need to calm the hell down!

And this part gets me too – “The New Haven school system banned candy sales in 2003 as part of a districtwide school wellness policy, school spokeswoman Catherine Sullivan-DeCarlo said.”

What the hell?! Yes I know Americans are becoming notoriously unhealthy and obese. But damn! It almost seems like one step closer towards ditching that whole “land of the free” part.

Listen up kiddies! You eat what we tell you eat!

When humans can’t… an animal will.

This doesn’t really surprise me all that much. Humans seem notoriously inept at aiding wildlife. I’m betting it went something like this.

Dolphin: Hey, how’s it going? You guys alright?

Whales: Oh hey! I’m sure glad to see you. We’re a bit lost. The humans seem to be trying to help but they’re just screwing us up. You know what they say, road to hell… good intentions and all that.

Dolphin: Heh, yeah. The humans are a bit “slow”. Just follow me.

Whales: Thanks! Oh look. The stupid humans are watching and waving.

Dolphin: Ugh. Humans are retarded.

Whales: Heh. Stupid humans.

And that is how a dolphin would “Free Willy”. (Sorry. You had to have seen that one coming.)

What?! No jail for fat people?!

Well would you look at that!

It seems that as the average size for humans is increasing, the average size for prison cells is not. You have no idea how happy this makes me. Morbid obesity seems to be a get out of jail card! I can commit atrocities against mankind and not do jail time so long as I manage to become ecliptic by the time they find and arrest me.

Police: Well damn! That’s one fat bastard! I don’t even think we can transport him without a forklift. Eh… just leave him at home.

I can has prostitute?

I know you’ve already heard about this. You’re most likely tired of hearing and reading about it. But I’d like to take the time talk about this.

Honestly, I don’t blame the guy. I mean look at her! She’s freaking hot! Hell I’d pay for that. I’d probably kill one of my family members for some of that. I’d definitely kill one of your family members for that.

And it says that she had a MySpace account too. I have a MySpace account! If I had known that I would have sent her so many friend invites! We would have become great friends in no time. And next thing you know I’m getting discounted rates on services. But no.

Maybe I should I go into politics.

Remember:

Politics = Hookers!.... or candy.

Now if you don’t mind I need a smoke… and a towel.

Look out! It's Random Man!

This is mainly randomness here.

Today sports guy comes to me and tells me that he keeps hearing a knocking at his window and doesn’t know what it is. My first assumption was, “It’s probably a bird attacking its reflection. Birds are dumb like that”. And I would be right. Moments later sports guy returns raving about how it’s a cardinal. Again and again sports guy returns to tell me about the knocking cardinal. I believe it was a total of 5 times he told me about it. And if I count the times he’s told each and ever coworker individually I’ve heard the story a total of 14 times. So sports guy gets the bright idea of doing something to make sure the cardinal doesn’t return. He recalled how his parents would put plastic owl statues in their windows to keep birds away. His magnificent idea is to put an action figure on the window sill outside. I’ve heard this part of the story a total of 6 times now. He’s even pulled me into his office to show me his achievement. I haven’t the heart to tell him that I couldn’t care less about the damn bird knocking or the action figure deterrent. But at least he’s not talking to me about sports today. Small favors I guess.

I think that the bird wasn’t actually attacking its reflection. I believe it was actually trying to get to sports guy. But being that birds are notoriously dumb it was going the hard way about it, through the glass. Eventually the killer cardinal will catch on to sports guy’s plan. One day sports guy will find his action figure pooped on and when he steps outside the cardinal will carry out its insidious assassination plot. Look out sports guy! Cardinals are red for a reason!

And now I will entertain you with pictures of my car accident from years back. (I was speeding down a road called Red Run Blvd. And now I know why it’s called that.) I don’t really remember much from it but I do remember how simple my thought processes became during the ordeal.

“Oh man! I’m headed for the curb. It’ll be alright. It might mess the car up a little.”

“World go spinning?” (this was when the car hit the curb and began to roll like a log. I was told that it rolled 4 times before coming to rest on its top.)

“I need a nap. Here good.” (This is when I woke up upside down, undid my seatbelt, crawled half way out of the car, and settled in for a nice nap in the grass.)

I woke up as people were rushing about asking me questions. There was a man with the thickest mustache I have ever seen cradling my head and smiling down on me. It was comforting and creepy all at the same time. So I learned that people hit you with a barrage of questions that seem simple to answer normally but after an accident you end up stumbling like a one legged mentally disabled kid in a dark room filled with awkwardly placed furniture with the promise of pudding at the end. I also learned that after you answer their questions they won’t answer yours. I don’t know how many times I asked “what happened?” and got silence as a reply. That just makes everything worse. Especially when you try to get up and they instantly freak and keep you pinned. For an hour or so I thought maybe I had lost a leg or I was horribly mutilated from the waist down. My mother and sister arrived shortly after I was loaded into a helicopter to be air lifted to a hospital. (How awesome is that?!) Mom discovered that she could outrun my sister if she needed to. The roads had been blocked off a ways away from the scene and without hesitation my mother broke into a crazed sprint. My sister confessed later that she had a hard time keeping up with my mother. (I’d like to state that at the time my sister was in high school and playing soccer. She was and is a very physically fit person. Mom was in her late 40’s and not very physically fit. Adrenaline does wonderful things.)

You can find some of the hospital incident here. It’s located in the rant about hospitals, doctors, and underwear.

So anyway… here’s the few photos we have from the incident.

But wait! There's more random stuff!

This is a picture of my rabbit Skitters when she was just a wee baby.
I'm actually just putting this hear so someone can look at it and say, "Awwww so cute!".
Skitters is a little sweetheart who seems to have developed an identity crisis. She believes that she's a puppy. The little fuzz-bit gets terribly excited when people are around, follows you through a room, and licks hands. Yes, you read that correctly. She licks hands to show affection.