I need a smoke… and a towel.

Kansas... my birth state.... home of the WTF!

By no means will I defend the state of Kansas or its inhabitants. And even though I have just admitted that I was born in Kansas I will adamantly deny it if you confront me about it.

Well, I guess Kansas can actually be a nice place despite the tornadoes, crappy winters, lack of anything interesting to do, and various other things. I mean if you’re the type of person who wants to sit on the shitter for 2 years straight without someone hassling you, then Kansas is the place for you.

A little too far maybe?

Jeez! They went all sorts of ballistic on this kid. It was a bag of candy!

I wonder if there were headlines in the school news paper about a young vice president caught in the illicit act of contraband candy purchasing.

“Skittles was quoted in saying that it had to take the ‘bus’ to meet up with ‘Student 9’ in class.”

Really.. School authorities need to calm the hell down!

And this part gets me too – “The New Haven school system banned candy sales in 2003 as part of a districtwide school wellness policy, school spokeswoman Catherine Sullivan-DeCarlo said.”

What the hell?! Yes I know Americans are becoming notoriously unhealthy and obese. But damn! It almost seems like one step closer towards ditching that whole “land of the free” part.

Listen up kiddies! You eat what we tell you eat!

When humans can’t… an animal will.

This doesn’t really surprise me all that much. Humans seem notoriously inept at aiding wildlife. I’m betting it went something like this.

Dolphin: Hey, how’s it going? You guys alright?

Whales: Oh hey! I’m sure glad to see you. We’re a bit lost. The humans seem to be trying to help but they’re just screwing us up. You know what they say, road to hell… good intentions and all that.

Dolphin: Heh, yeah. The humans are a bit “slow”. Just follow me.

Whales: Thanks! Oh look. The stupid humans are watching and waving.

Dolphin: Ugh. Humans are retarded.

Whales: Heh. Stupid humans.

And that is how a dolphin would “Free Willy”. (Sorry. You had to have seen that one coming.)

What?! No jail for fat people?!

Well would you look at that!

It seems that as the average size for humans is increasing, the average size for prison cells is not. You have no idea how happy this makes me. Morbid obesity seems to be a get out of jail card! I can commit atrocities against mankind and not do jail time so long as I manage to become ecliptic by the time they find and arrest me.

Police: Well damn! That’s one fat bastard! I don’t even think we can transport him without a forklift. Eh… just leave him at home.

I can has prostitute?

I know you’ve already heard about this. You’re most likely tired of hearing and reading about it. But I’d like to take the time talk about this.

Honestly, I don’t blame the guy. I mean look at her! She’s freaking hot! Hell I’d pay for that. I’d probably kill one of my family members for some of that. I’d definitely kill one of your family members for that.

And it says that she had a MySpace account too. I have a MySpace account! If I had known that I would have sent her so many friend invites! We would have become great friends in no time. And next thing you know I’m getting discounted rates on services. But no.

Maybe I should I go into politics.

Remember:

Politics = Hookers!.... or candy.

Now if you don’t mind I need a smoke… and a towel.