I’d like to take a little time today to rant about where I live. Because that’s what I do. Live… and rant. Now I’m not the type of guy who would bad mouth a person or company blatantly. No no, I’m the type of guy who will bad mouth a person or company and not name them. Finger pointing sans the fingers (well maybe the middle one).
Monday I had to call out sick from work. Turned out that I caught some flu bug going around. Which resulted in me laying in bed achy nauseous and dizzy. I hate calling out sick from work. As bizarre as it sounds, I need to go to work. If not I’ll eventually get bored... very bored… dangerously bored. Needless to say, when I’m home sick I end up laying in bed bored and unable to do anything. (Funny thing about that though. No matter how tired and dizzy I am, somehow I manage to summon enough energy and focus to sprint to the bathroom when the stomach commands.)
Around 7 on Monday night I had begun feeling well enough to hazard eating some soup. When I got up I began to hear the familiar sounds of thumping. For any who don’t own rabbits, thumping is a way for rabbits to warn others that danger is nearby. I tend to ignore them because the fuzzy town criers go off at the slightest thing. Although they also warn me when the kitchen ninja makes an appearance. So as I stumbled into my kitchen I saw what they were trying to warn me of. It was yeti! Not really. But I believe a yeti would have been more preferable at the moment.
As it turned out, the kitchen sink was also feeling ill. Gallons upon gallons of murky dank water bubbled up from the drain, filled the sink, and spilled over the edge. Within a matter of seconds my kitchen was an aquatic wonderland. I lie. It was a disgusting swamp of ground down discarded food particles. And the sink persisted in its gurgling eruptions. I then realized that it wasn’t just a swamp of garbage disposal upchuck. It was in fact a swamp of garbage disposal upchuck that had been sitting in the pipes for a very long time. The stench was the type that sends you instantly into a frantic frenzy to either escape it or nullify it. That and when the smell hit me I realized that I was standing ankle deep in it… barefoot. When moments like these happen it’s usually best to move away from me.
Freak out mode was almost instantaneously initiated. Once the WTF switch was hit I went from Sickly Smurf to Enraged Psychopath in less than .0005 seconds. It was quite an exhilarating trip complete with stomping, yelling, hitting things, and death threats to no one in particular. After the 30 minutes of rampage while watching the sink spew more filth in defiance I resigned myself to my fate… vomiting.
Once the sink had ceased I found my mop, bucket, and bleach. With skank water covering my little piggies I mopped and seethed. (It’s like multitasking. I’m awesome that way.) At one point I called the maintenance department requesting their aid in unclogging my sink. (Yes I was seething then too.) During my conversation with them I heard the upstairs neighbors start running water (dishwasher) which lead to me muttering, “I don’t think that’s good.”. And like a pissed off-modern-day-barefoot-slop-covered Nostradamus I was CORRECT! And once again ankle deep in the unknown spewing curses almost as fast as the sink was. The maintenance department was delightfully fast in arriving and undelightfully fast in making a stupid comment. “Yep, you have a backed up drain.” (I withheld my "No shit Sherlock”.)
At that point the gentleman deduced that the clog was somewhere after my drainage line. (And he managed to do that without a pipe or violin.) During that time he explained that all the sink drainages in the apartments directly above mine lead to one main line which goes down into the ground and out. And this is the reason why ground level apartments flood due to clogs and the upper levels do not. (If you’re a smart monkey you’ll have figured out that I’m ground level. AKA the Break In Level. BTW I do have weaponry and a lack of morals or hesitation in case you want to make a surprise/emergency visit.)
While my delightful maintenance detective was surmising the reasons and whys of the flooding the sink began to do its thing again. This time non-food particles began to float to the surface. As remnants of tea bags began to float to the surface I caught a nasty glance from the maintenance guy. “I don’t drink tea,” was my instant response. Then chunks of sponges of various colors. Once again a nasty glance. “Why the fuck would I grind sponges in the garbage disposal?!” was my instant response. And then came the clencher. The proof needed to show that I’m not a disposal abusing bastard. A few (and I mean more than 3) remains of tampons were spotted swimming around in the sink like albino gold fish. At this point I was expecting condoms and a few chopped up hooker bits to come up too. After fishing one of them out the maintenance man looked at me and said, “I’m going to snake the drain and then have a talk with your neighbors.”
For the 45 minutes it took him to clear the drain I sat and listened to the snake moving through the pipes. It was like hearing a rat the size of a large dog moving through the walls. Once everything was said and done I returned to the kitchen to mop. I threw up again. Mopped that up. Took a shower and went back to bed. You stop wanting food after you’ve seen the week old stuff float past you. Besides… I was soaking in it for an hour or more. I figure I got all I needed for the day.
(I would have made this one funnier. But really… it wasn’t funny.)
Today I woke up to cold. Not just any cold. I mean testicles retracted into your abdomen, nipples cutting diamonds, I can’t feel my legs type of cold. At some point during the night my heating unit decided to take a day off of work. So when I sat up in bed and saw my breath I pretty much expected to see a little kid tell me that he sees dead people. Actually I think that would have been more comforting or entertaining.
I took the fastest and coldest shower I had ever had in my life. (By the way ladies, I really don’t know what you see in us guys. When women are cold they become a little more “attractive”. When guys are cold, we become…. “ineffective”.) Is it me or does it seem as though soap really doesn’t want to rinse off when the water is cold? After a while I was resorting to acts of pure desperation to get the soap off of me and out of the cold water. And into the cold air. (hooray!)
After getting to work I called the business office of my apartment complex to report my lazy heating unit. There was no answer. I didn’t sweat it too much. It was 8:32 in the AM and the office opened at 8:30. Whoever was there was most likely trying to finish up on their opening procedures.
9:30 I gave another ring. No answer.
10:00 Called again. No answer.
11:30 Called again. No answer. Pissed.
12:00 Called again. No answer. Livid.
12:02 Called again.
12:05 Called again.
12:06 And again.
12:07 Called the leasing office. Was told to call the business office again.
About this time I had had enough. The leasing office has informed me that there were quite a few people working in the business office and someone should be answering. Cue the Overlord Complex.
12:15 Called the business office. No answer.
12:16 Called the leasing office. That went something like this.
Me= me (duh)
LOP= Leasing Office Person
Me: I tried calling the business office several times and no one answers.
LOP: Sir, I’m sure if you call them now someone will answer.
Me: You’re sure?
LOP: I’m positive, sir.
12:20 Called the business office. No answer. (cue cursing and yelling)
12:23 Called the leasing office.
Me: You are going to go tell someone in the business office to answer the phone.
LOP: Sir I’m sure if you give them some time…
Me: I’ve given them time. Now go tell them to answer the phone.
LOP: Sir we’re in a different building than…
Me: No you’re not! I’m a tenant. I’ve seen the building. The leasing office is under the business office. Now you either GET UP and go upstairs or you call upstairs and TELL them answer the phone.
*CLICK* (That would be them hanging up on me.)
12:30 Called the business office. Someone answers.
Me=me (again)
Ass= Business Office Person
Me: Hello. I live at (insert address here) and I’d like to report that my heating unit has stopped running. I would like for someone to have that repaired and/or replaced. (see that? I totally omitted the fact that I had to call billions of times to get them to answer.)
Ass: Alright sir. I’ll have the request posted. We’ll have it done by Friday.
Me: You mean A.S.A.N.
Ass: Sir?
Me: As Soon As Now.
Ass: Sir these things take time.
Me: According to your policy and the lease plumbing, AC, Electrical, Gas, and Heating problems are considered emergency situations and handled immediately.
Ass: Sir we will have it fixed as soon as we can.
*CLICK* (That is, yet again, me being hung up on.)
12:40 Called the Maintenance Department directly. They answered immediately.
Me= (do I really have to tell you?)
AGIM= Awesome Guy In Maintenance.
Me: Hi. I live at (address). My heating unit stopped working last night and I need it fixed as soon as possible.
AGIM: Ok. Not a problem. Just let me talk to the business office about it first.
Me: I spoke to them earlier. The kinda ran me circles and said something about Friday.
Me: I’ve already talked to them. They ran me circles and said something about Friday.
AGIM: That sounds like them. Since they already know I’ll just head on over then.
Me: Thanks!
It took nearly 5 hours of phone tag and business office douche baggery to get someone to look at my heating unit. I never realized I lived in a lesser level of hell until someone pointed out the demons and lake of fire. No wait, I'm wrong. Hell is warmer than my apartment.
I really do need to move.
What have we learned here?
1. Just because you give them money doesn’t mean they give a shit about you.
2. People in offices are deathly afraid of the phone.
3. When they say “sir” or “ma’am” they’re actually calling you an asshole.
4. Going through improper channels usually gets things done faster.
5. Douche Baggery is not just a state of mind. It’s a workplace lifestyle.
6. I pay too much for my crappy apartment.
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